dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
