So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
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Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
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Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
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