So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
