Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
