Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
