This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
