Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
And then he peed in my hair
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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