I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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