I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
