How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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