Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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