best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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