I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
