why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
