we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
