I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
