Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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