there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
