Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
