Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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