I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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