the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
