they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize