Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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