First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
