I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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