My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
im having a threesome with these popsicles
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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