Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
