I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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