Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
we should paint friendship bongs
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