He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
that is very illegal...i love you.
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