No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
