there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
