someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
