Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
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Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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