Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
