This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
