I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
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