Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
