Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
