I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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