There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
you had me at cake vodka
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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