My underwear smells like fireworks.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
