My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
