I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
