i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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