Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
