Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
