fuck your aforementioned shoe
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
