Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
