4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
