you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
