I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
