I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
