Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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