i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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