I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
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Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
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he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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