I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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